A Dreamer’s eve ( feeble attempt at haiku)


*Image found HERE

*Done for mindlovemisery’s prompt to try something different. I think I mentioned a lot of times I enjoy reading haiku, but not writing it at all, so I figured it is the best different situation I could jump in. You can find the prompt HERE. Come and write and join the fun ๐Ÿ™‚

A Dreamerโ€™s eve

His cornucopia
heavy laden shoes fall through clouds
aerials of sultry flesh.
Verdant genesis
red fires eat the cracking leaf
blood without patience.
Eight o’clock in the soul,
chimneys on the roofs catch warm breaths,
playing chess with Death.

Truth be told, I have no idea did I manage to write everything p[roperly, regarding format and even less regarding the nature and the essence of this type of writing – any imput and critique are more then welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

~ by Oloriel on September 23, 2013.

49 Responses to “A Dreamer’s eve ( feeble attempt at haiku)”

  1. blood without patience I love love love love love that line haha These are fabulous and still distinctively yours =) Very vivid I think you have done a gorgeous job!

    • I am glad you liked it! This is the first time I am trying to write a haiku and I only wanted to eat my keyboard around 20 times wrestling with the correct syllable numbers XD
      Was the form ok? Does it even look like a haiku, in it’s spirit?

      • The middle one has the right syllable count 5-7-5. I use the dictionary for syllables because I can’t count them either lol Aside from the syllables they are composed of 3 lines as you have done and in my opinion the most important bit is that they are very powerful and rich they should move you, slap you in the face, make you go ahhh and you nailed that part =)

  2. Love the poem and haiku is one of my favorite forms to use. The 5-7-5 syllable pattern seems easy to me. I never paid much attention to the essence part of it. Figures it’s more about imagery and flow.

    • Yes, I agree with you, it is just that it was not easy to sit down and write it, after reading so many outstanding haikus here daily. I have a thing like that, if I think someone done it masterfuly, I like to sit and praise it instead of adding my own droplet to the ocean ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I Loved the line ‘eight o’clock in the soul’. Excellent haiku.

  4. “blood without patience” and “chimneys on the roofs catch warm breaths” are my favorite lines. especially warm breaths…
    I have no complaints. In fact, I love them.

    • I am very glad you like it! ๐Ÿ˜€ But, it got me thinking, when was the last time I saw a chimney sweeper and do I even have anything to wear with buttons anymore.

  5. No need to worry about the haiku. You did good ๐Ÿ˜„

  6. nothing feeble about them – well done

  7. These are spectacular haikus. Powerful imagery packed into the dynamite package of the haiku structure. Loved them! Reowr! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I was really trying to make the images of what I had in mind fit in a way that would not be neither too mild, nor too overpowering ๐Ÿ™‚ I am very glad you enjoyed reading! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. really enjoyed these… I don’t completely understand the form but Bastet did a little seminar on Haiku on the 13th Floor Paradigm

    • Yes, I had her article open while writing ๐Ÿ™‚ I am having trouble of completely understanding the form as well, I think , because I keep finding different explanations on it and how to properly write it and basicly even a little variation turns the poem into some other form.

  9. Good Stuff! ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Very nice! Did you enjoy it? I think it turned out great!

  11. I loved them. It’s a real skill to say so much with so few words. Great job!

  12. in awe. love.

  13. these are beautiful Oloriel, i especially love stringing them together and letting the lines bleed from one Haiku to the next. i’ve immersed myself in this form for the past month, the syllable count becomes intuitive after awhile.

    • The syllable count treated me lik a princess most of the times, I would not need to count, it was all fitting, only later I had to rethink and tweak a few places. I am reading your haikus and they are all gorgeous, I enjoy them much more then I enjoy this piece of mine! ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. Writing haiku is still something I’ve not gotten my head into much, maybe it’s just having to count in a rhythm. Loved your exploration with the choice of words. Not many chimneys in the tropics here, so I imagined the warm breath of the of the chimneys taking the shape of chess pieces, and a board above the rooftops, with a game being played between Winter, and Death.

    • I am very happy to know you enjoyed this!The chimney sweeper line was made from what I miss. I used to see them all the times and there is a superstition that if you see one, you need to grab a button on your clothes, and you will have bad luck. You hardly ever see them anymore and they take away a magical moment out of the city.

      • Rooftops are such interesting place, to wait for many things, or to just spend a little quiet time. Have never seen a chimney sweeper, not in the classical sense, or even the modern for that mater. What were the magical moments like in your city?

  15. exquisite!
    a bit of delight in “this world of dew….”

  16. These are haunting, O… More haiku please!

  17. Strong, vivid imagery–the syllable count will come. Nice.

    • I did my best with syllables, I like what the haiku became, I did not have to sacrifice anything to reach the proper count, only tweak it a little bit and that makes me happy.
      Thank you very much for reading!

  18. I love all three of these! I can’t possibly pick a favorite. Well done! ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Great job, Oloriel. I have never written a haiku. It’s your distinctive style & it’s something different. Loved these lines the most:

    heavy laden shoes fall through clouds

    red fires eat the cracking leaf
    blood without patience.
    Eight oโ€™clock in the soul
    playing chess with Death.


  20. I’ve said a lot of times that what I most love about your writing is the imagery and your distinctive expression, because to most of us it’s just unthinkable. This time I really love this line: Eight o’clock in the soul… ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. Masterfully accomplished! Every word weighty, and the imagery is powerful.

  22. Haiku is not something I could ever do well. I think yours are beautiful, I can’t decide which line I love the most but probably, “blood without patience”.

    • That is what I think of myself when I am trying to write one, but you never know what may come out of it! What is msot important to me that I am satisfied with my attempt, I love my own sentences and reading my own work does not make me cringe, so it’s all good ๐Ÿ˜€

  23. […] one goes especially for my friend Oloriel. I know this isn’t the one of the chimneys that you were talking about, but I saw it and I […]

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